As a recovering controller, my life was often over scheduled. According to Clifton Strengths, I’m a “Maximizer.” Yep. I’m also a “Harmonizer.” Yep again. These are great qualities for a team player who takes initiative but a potentially damning combination for self-compassion and valuing the importance of rest.
It wasn’t until about midway through my career that I realized that my strengths were also my weaknesses. It didn’t just impact me, it impacted those I loved most. It only took a few life events for me to “get it” and I still often need a reminder. I wasn’t an early adopter of a less scheduled life or to establishing boundaries but I’m a late and grateful one.
My overscheduled life with few boundaries left no time for saying “yes” to the impromptu. My life became a matter of logistics; I was living tactically. Yet, based on my values (faith, family, friends, freedom, and health), this wasn’t logical. Ironically, “logistics” and “logic” share the Latin root word, “logos,” meaning reason. Another irony is that I had to reason (verb) with myself to remember my reason (noun) for being… and it wasn’t to tick boxes. It was and is to BE. Be faithful. Be Mom and wife. Be a good friend. Be Free. Be healthy. And, yes, I geek out on words… there are just so darn many of them that I could spend hours wordsmithing. There goes another strength/weakness… perfection.
If I am not intentional about creating white space, I will often fill every waking moment trying to achieve my to do list. Unfinished projects haunt me; I’m like a dog with a bone. I will too easily favor “doing” vs “being” because there’s still that part of me that taunts, “a day without an accomplishment is a wasted day.” The worst part? I know better. Heck, I believe in and facilitate this content AND the struggle is as real for me as for anyone else.
An antidote for me has been reciting a simple mantra, “what is my mission now?” If I’m BEING, I need to stop doing. Minimally, I need to put down my phone because when I’m looking at it, I’m usually in doing mode.
I’m also leaning into sage advice from three of my favorite Matthews:
- Firstly, so much rings true for me in the short inspirational speech from Matthew McConaughey
- Secondly, author/speaker Mathew Kelly, suggests that the greatest “AHAs” in our life come when we sit in the classroom of silence. I aim to sit in silence for five minutes/day; sounds easy. It’s not. But each time I’m tempted to wander into doing and come back to sitting in silence, my brain wonders; it’s like a bicep curl for my brain. Hence, my mental fitness is improving.
- Thirdly, The Gospel of Matthew 11:28-30: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” In the end, it will be my faith that takes me across the finish line, not my impressive lists of ticked boxes.
Rest was the missing ingredient for me for a long time. True rest. Not just resting the body but also resting the mind. Not unconscious resting while sleeping, but conscious resting as in practicing mindfulness. I appreciate friends who are my opposite; time slows… they reel me in and help me stay grounded. Citing the Serenity prayers is also a great source of comfort and is meditative for me, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Thus, when I am doing, I’m at least putting my energy into things that I can change… like myself.
So what’s on your “to be” list? Top of mind is to be more intentional about the things that matter most and to honor my values with how I show up. Rest and boundaries are my new best friends. As a dear former manager turned friend tells me, “Go gently.”
Thank you Sue Cruse #legacy
Dear me, I’m trying.
