The holidays can often feel like a series of small storms vs a montage of warm and cozy moments that shape core memories… if we let them. Consider this: Norman Rockwell’s iconic images of Americana in the mid-1900s reflect a slower pace when families lingered around an ample table, passed time on the front porch swing, or played chess in rocking chairs at the local country store.
Sounds dreamy but let’s get real; folks had wide front porches because they didn’t have air conditioning, they ate in a large dining room because the kitchen was where you cooked not gathered, and they huddled around the fireplace to keep warm… not for ambiance.
It was a simpler time yet, despite all our modern-day conveniences, holidays feel more complicated and stressful than in the Rockwell days. “Back then,” there were fewer two career families, life wasn’t 24/7 and ordering Thanksgiving-to-go from Harris Teeter wasn’t an option. All things considered, maybe it’s time to lower the bar… ON PURPOSE
Comparing ourselves to bygone images or familial standards can often leave us feeling “less than.” Honoring legacy family traditions while also piling on your own means something needs to give lest it be your sanity.
I’ve learned that, indeed, comparison is the thief of joy and if we cross-examine the holidays we envisioned with the one that’s unfolding, we may find ourselves disappointed, anxious and frustrated. Executing our well-meaning plan may leave us exhausted vs fondly reminiscing; we smile for the family photo but underneath we’re exhausted, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Let’s do a makeover!
One of the defining characteristics of resilient people is their ability to set boundaries, set realistic expectations, and navigate “on purpose.” This means being able to pivot in the moment and find opportunities and humor in the midst of storms. I mean, yeah, the year the smoke alarm went off as the roast incinerated and we had to raise all the windows in freezing cold temps, it was kind of funny (looking back). In a moment, my perfect vision was ruined, and I felt like I’d disappointed everyone.
Resetting my mind meant cross-examining my circumstances with my purpose and included reflecting on the following:
- What’s my REAL goal?
- Who am I trying to please?
- What‘s most important and deserves my best energy?
- What can I delegate?
- What IS in my control?
- What do I stop, start, and continue?
- What’s the worst thing that could happen? Could I live with that?
In trying to carry on a time-honored family tradition, I meant well. From pulling out Mom’s fine china, crystal and silver to the presentation of the meal itself, it was beautifully complicated… worthy of a feature in Southern Living.
The prime rib had to rest in the oven while the corn pudding and green bean casserole should be cooking. The gravy and homemade mashed potatoes were, thankfully, cooked stovetop. All in all, making sure everything was hot at the same time was a logistics miracle. Mom and Dad made it look so effortless.
When they passed away, carrying on that family tradition became more of a burden; I spent more time prepping than engaging with family I rarely see; it was expensive and what should have been a joyful occasion felt stressful. Simply put, I’d set an unrealistic bar and my heart wasn’t in the right place.
So, I stepped back and re-evaluated. In fact, this holiday wasn’t about the table or the meal, it was about creating a gathering place, breaking bread and being fully present with family. Heck, that could be done over paper plates, solo cups and take out so why stress over it? As a result, I lowered my standard but elevated my experience. I was able to join in the family fun and now we talk about the games we played vs how pretty the table was or how delicious the roast was… and that’s ok with me.
I also bought a fake Christmas tree for the first time in my life. Under the circumstances, it was just easier and the trade-off was an ok compromise in exchange for the convenience.
As I look back (and forward), I realize that there is a chapter for everything and this was not the chapter in my life for complications; a simpler approach made so much more sense on a practical and financial level. I’m trying to embrace the wisdom of C.S. Lewis, “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
Strategies for lowering the bar, on purpose
Take stock of your holiday traditions. Which ones are working for you and which ones are making you work too hard? Reflect on my cross-examination bullets above and come to your own conclusions regarding what’s best for you.
For every new tradition you take on, consider dropping a potentially dated one (Do you really have to make the cranberry relish from scratch or use real magnolia in the wreath? Who is going to notice?)
If the turkey is undercooked and the rolls aren’t hot, there’s always Ramen; the kids would probably rather have that anyway. AND, when they’re grown, they’ll talk about the year they had Ramen for Thanksgiving!
In the end, this all feels a little like manufactured first world drama; one day, I may just go volunteer at the soup kitchen!
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Growth happens when you lean into the storm. Visit Rudder Consulting to explore how we can help you and your organization embrace resilience and find opportunity in every challenge.
